over thinking

hello everyone.
Happy mid week :-) I hope everyone's doing well!!!
So today I did some thinking.. have you ever wondered, what you were doing 1 year ago??
 And if your 1-year-ago-self could see what/how you are now, would you be proud of yourself? (I know the phrasing is a bit weird but you get what I mean)
Honestly, 1 year ago, was when I started drifting away from LAMA and started mugging for MYE. That was when I got close with syed and what not.... studying everyday.. and I think me then, would not be proud of me now.
Firstly, I never wanted to go to TP... honestly, TP was my last choice. In fact, tp was never in my choices. BUT it's okay I think i'm getting used to it and fitting in.
Secondly, I'm vulgar as hell. Now that I think of it, it's becoming disgusting. but I will cut down on my vulgarities. or I'll try not to use vulgarities so often.
Thirdly, I'm sad. (ha ha how melodramatic) but yes, I'm not on good terms with my dad, I feel like a failure 90% of the time, and I can't find someone to talk to. I know there are people around who will say that I can talk to them any day, any time and will always be there for me. Well, here's the problem. I'm too insecure and I overthink. I'm scared that if I pour out my feelings to someone, they will listen not because they care, but they're curious. And then they will walk away and tell others about my problems. I guess I sort of have some rights to feel that way because it happened before and who knows, it might happen again.. I'm also scared that they'll judge me and my problems; thinking "wtf this bitch has so much insecurities about herself"/ "can she just shut up about her life, not everything revolves around her"/ "god why is she so petty"/ "she's so annoying complaining about every single thing". I know that people will think that about my problems and won't give more than 2 shits because it's not "severe" or dramatic enough for their attention. I feel like that all the time... I guess it's quite sad how everyone sees me as this girl that is cheery 24/7 but is so screwed up inside out. Hah, I'm so screwed up that I feel that my dad doesn't even wna acknowledge me anymore.

So yeah, that's about how I let myself down in some ways I guess? But then again, I might be expecting too much from myself?

you know, I just need someone that wouldn't judge me to talk to.
my mind is constantly thinking that it kills me.
over thinking kills. and it's killing me.