ramblings at 1215

im exhausted.
ive flooded my schedule with work almost everyday... so much that within the next two weeks, i only opted for 2 days without work ha ha
so don't ask me out cos im busy (which is an excuse for me not wanting to socialize with anyone or everyone)
its mummy's birthday today (as of 12mn) so i'll probably do up a post at night to cover her birthday and stuff like that.
i really wanted to watch suits when i got home but i have work at 11am tomorrow so im not quite in the mood for any snuggling and watching show kinda thing. meh.
im such a mundane person, how can anyone stand me hahaha
late night ramblings, oh how interesting.
gd night everyone, get a good night's sleep and don't let your thoughts ruin your mind.
-
1227am
i think its hard to constantly remind ourselves that it's who or what we love that make us who we are rather than who loves us.
but then again, its always the question of, is it because of the similarity of our personality with who loves us that makes us who we are? ok put it this way. what if our personality attract people with similar personality? then does the "theory" or what we are is who loves us? or is that the same as loving ourselves? then what about opposites attract? do they really still attract? i believe more in like minded attractiveness rather than opposites cos thats for sure that i can never be with someone that do not like or have tattoos haha. sort of a mind f-ing question huh.. but anyway my main point is, it's hard to tell myself that who i am is what i have achieved and what i love or who i love rather than who loves me (no one) or what loves me (ha ha nothing) bc im constantly surrounded by people who are so... loved? hahah (yes this might just be jealousy speaking) im not sure why people always say my love life is complicated but hey man it's as empty as a black hole and im not willing to love someone just yet so........
who am i exactly and why do i exist?
(and to add on to the truckload of questions i ask myself or you, whoever you are, WHY AM I SO FUCKING FAT)
i really got to do something about my physical appearance.
it's disgusting.

ok now goodnight for real

late night thoughts

late night thoughts are the root of all evil and sadness.
tonight i wondered again, where did i go wrong? how did i manage to chase everyone away? is there something wrong with me? why can't someone stay? is it really difficult to stay by my side? am i a very difficult person to love?
constantly asking myself that question...
my self esteem is so low.. i don't even believe anyone can love me especially when i can't bring myself to even like myself a little. everything i see is flawed.
i am just a great big flaw.
sigh, goodnight.
i've had enough of my body and emotions.
most of the time i just want to be a robot.

fats

sry just an irrelevant ootd

-

sometimes i wish that both of us weren't best friends so that i can fall for you... you've watched me go in and out of love several times with all sorts of wrong people, telling me "i knew it" or "told you" as if you could totally see the break up happening the moment i told you about them. i'm sorry for the times i neglected you during my relationship(S) or when i focus my attention to someone else haha. I'll never neglect you again i promise.

You've watched me make (possibly) the worst and best decisions of my life. From not joining FO which led to me convincing you to quit FO (sort of) to the days where i don't eat and to the times when i used to smoke. haha, you've seen it all. my good days, my bad days. The days i dress up like a princess and the days where i look like a pauper and you would still call me beautiful. 

Over the year(ish), you've known me better than I know myself. We talk on a daily basis and if we don't, i'll text you after a week telling you how much I miss you because I really do. Everyone else says I'm a difficult person to love, but you said I'm easy to love. Every other person has left my life but you're still here. Even i think im a difficult person but time and time again you will reassure me telling me that im fine and tough times will pass. (Sometimes i wonder what is wrong w u...?!? why tho why m i so "normal" in ur eyes) 

you're perfect in my eyes and i will never understand why you're single or why you think it would be hard to love someone like you.

Everyone said that your true friends are found in secondary school. but hey, I found a gem in poly and you bitches be hatin' lol kidding. But really, it's my luck and my fortune to have met someone like you and be loved by someone like you. 

revival

hey guys. it has been long since i've actually blogged deep thoughts at.. "this" timing aha. I just got home from the first day of the mbassador camp (marketing "M"bassador) to look after some family things before i go back down tomorrow for day 2 at 8:30am.
so anyway, i realised this really weird fact about me recently.
i feel very stressed depressed (and not well dressed) whenever i like someone because uncertainty just fills my mind. first of all, i can not deal with rejection so whenever i feel like or know that i'm getting too emotionally attached/inclined with someone i'll start to feel extremely down because im scared (or i know) that they won't or don't reciprocate the same feelings. and recently i've been feeling a lot of this shit because im starting to like this person..... but im not sure if i should stop everything because i know s/he doesn't like me back. ugh so childish i know but it's like taking a leap of faith which i can't bring myself to do. unless he really likes me and i can tell then i'll probably free fall into his arms but i know for sure that nothing will happen. even though a part of me hopes that i'm wrong.
so sad really.
why can't i just be courageous and do something. haha, but i know i'm not the kind to confess, much less take the first step.
love is such a weird and interesting thing. why do we even have emotions though?? it wrecks and destroys us yet it makes us feel like we're on a never ending high.

i really really really like you.
but i just don't dare to do anything.
am i suppose to let feelings fade?
so freaking scared idw to end up hurt again.

-a

:( 

:( 

:( 

hello, blogger

hello hello, i'm back after a long long time.
Life has been really shaky and unstable the past few months/weeks with breaking up with Yi Qi and then dating this guy and then we stopped dating well oh well.
But now I'm just embracing single life, it hasn't been so simple in such a long long time and I'm just grateful that I don't have to please anyone now or worry about someone being angry at me.
Gonna delete all my old posts simply because I kinda wanna start blogging without having the old posts being here.
Actually, I'm not very sure cos it would be nice to be able to read my blog in future when I'm bored......
yeah

that's basically it.

here's a picture of the beautiful skyline. 

Back again

Life has been rather fulfilling yet extremely exhausting, tiring and I've broken down a couple of times already :( but I'm still very grateful and I keep telling myself that better days will come and I'll get less busy or I'll have more time to breathe. 

I'm so tired I think my body is gonna collapse. on a side note, I would like to think that I've been rather happy. gonna upload picture blogposts cos I'm bored on the train bye~ 

march

back from my hiatus yaaaaay

march in a few pictures.

march has been a torturous month actually. many things have happened but the most significant one is getting closer to yq ^^ (technically we started dating in feb so i cant say that the most significant event is meeting her haha) 

closer to the end of march, many things happened which made me feel....... like shit..... my self esteem was super low and my patience was running thin towards the people that were surrounding me (literally, not saying that they're close to me) sigh, but i look forward to what april has to offer since school is starting on the 20th which means that i'll be busier and not having so much free time on my hands (also giving lesser overthinking time to my brain haha) 

i've also put on a couple (maybe a lot more than that) of pounds during march so now im trying to burn it off before sch starts sobs.

im gonna start blogging in detail soon i promise hehe 

kk bye