The hardest thing for me to do is love myself; love myself enough to stop being such a negative over thinker, starving myself all the time, stop judging myself, stop hating my appearance.
Never in my life have I felt that I'm good enough for anything. Nat has always been the one constantly reminding me that I've achieved quite a bit in my life, I'm not as bad as I think I am, my parents love me and I'm not alone. -yes I would probably die without her by my side hahaha-
Why do I hate myself?
Because it's hard not to. Haha seriously though.
People always remind me about my flaws when I'm trying so hard to ignore them and change them. Sometimes you guys just don't see it you know? You don't understand what I do in order to be deemed as acceptable. Here's a fun fact okay:
I eat only 2 meals a day and here are my meals: a bowl of cereal and a slice of bread.
Yeah I can go a day with just eating that because... whenever I'm about to eat I just imagine myself gaining weight and being fat. It's horrible. I've become to obsessed with trying to be "acceptable" just so that maybe people will notice me more or smtg? I just realized I don't know why im even starving myself? Who am I trying to impress? No one. So why?
So maybe the next time you guys decide to throw an insult (be it a joke or whatever) just think about the consequences first because some people take it more seriously than others.
As I was saying
In the midst of all these.... Hatred and anger, I lost myself. I have no idea who I am anymore. All I know is that I need to do something about my flaws which ultimately makes it difficult for me to love myself and stop being so negative. I focus all my energy on the negative things I don't even think about all the good things and people that are in MY life. It's stupid of me you know? Then when people leave I'll be making so much noise and everything when I didn't even cherish them.
You see it now??? All these thoughts about insecurities really kill me and my friendships.
I laugh and smile so much lesser and every single day, my mind just keeps thinking about every possible wrong thing in my life.
Which is why I've decided that I need to find myself again... Stop with the starvation (it's gonna be hard cos I've been doing it for pretty long already) first and then get my shit together.
Start smiling more, focussing only on the good things which probably means cutting out some people out of my life (for the time being maybe?) who I'm not comfortable with being around cos they simply don't understand me.
I normally don't even open up to people... Some of you may think ya right you're so loud and outgoing. But thing is, you will never know me until you've seen THIS side of me. People who know me? Natalie and mark.. Maybe Brandon. Other than that, no one. So it's quite weird to put a blogpost up like that... Talking about how I feel about myself and loving myself and what not.... I'm afraid people are gonna judge me esp when I've said I don't eat much. I don't want people to talk about me but for those who read this, I just want you to know that... I'm not that simple. And I'm in fact, very very very very screwed up in my mind. But I'm trying. I'm really trying to allow myself to be the best version of me.
In the end, it's who we are at the end of the day and not who we were or what got us there right?
I'm just hoping I'm able to find myself again. The only way I can let people in and let them love me is to love myself.
I don't want to be in an emotional turmoil any longer and I don't want to be on self destruct.
Right now, I'm still in a bad place. But I'm gonna move on. Force myself to move on. And maybe from now till somewhere not I'm the near future I have no idea when, I'm just gonna... Keep to myself for a while.
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