reasons

believe me when i say i have my reasons to take hiatus from everything.
first thing u need to know about me is that i dont like attention. i do like it for a short period of time but then i feel that i tend to stray away from who i truly am to maintain the current standards of me that they're seeing. i feel that i can't do this or do that because im scared that i'll become fat or lose my image in front of everyone. i start restricting myself, and i start seeing myself in perspective of how other's view me.
and eventually i get tired.
so tired of maybe craving attention and/or wanting more attention.. i guess that's the thing, i start changing myself to become the person i'm not.... i start binge eating cos i'm consuming way too little everyday and i start eating at night because i get so so so hungry from not eating properly in the day. i stop exercising because im scared of getting bulky and my legs build muscles rly rly fast. im scared ill lose the only feature of myself that i like and end up having big legs. i crave the body that i used to have because everyone liked it so much more, which made me want it even more.
and i didn't realise how much i'm emotionally hurting myself.
today i used my big bulky quads and hamstrings to give myself a good 5km run. and i did it below 30 minutes. i deleted twitter and insta and fb so i know that the only reason why i ran so fast or well is because im getting stronger, and not to be a people please-r or impress anyone.
and yes, i may be getting bigger, but who the fuck cares when my body is enjoying it?

its good to know that 3 days away from social media has given me so much time for self discovery...
can't imagine how great i'll start to feel in a few weeks' time..
till then, im slowly building myself up...
happy is a state of mind, and i want to make it permanent. having a good body is just one way to make me happy. it's part of my goal, NOT my goal. There are so many more factors that come together to form a happy state of mind, and slowly but surely, i will get there one day.

taking it a day at a time
-annabelle tammie