how are you

honestly when people ask me how am I.... I don't really know what to reply.
What do you mean by how am I? Like how am I emotionally or how am I coping with things or..?
or how is life treating me...? I could give tell you how I'm doing in a paragraph or i could just say I'm fine. (which is what most people expect.) But whoever came up with the greeting "how are you?",obviously didn't expect people these days would over think the meaning of those 3 simple words or that their lives are so complicated to the extent that they don't have an answer to that question. We're so used to saying "fine" that we don't think about what people mean when they ask "how are you"

sigh i dont know how to put my thoughts in words even though i think in words, phrases, paragraphs.
Ironic.
I'm exhausted, I have so many things that I need to do but I'm too lazy. Honestly, I hate the lazy side of me.... who doesn't right? I hate it when I lazy, I feel like a failure. I guess that's why I push myself so hard...? I don't think many people feel like that.. or think like how I do. If I'm not doing my work or working or studying when I'm supposed to, I'll feel angry and frustrated at myself and I'll find 10001 ways to make up for it, even if it means I have to burn the midnight oil.
Like now, I'm supposed to go for a run tonight. But I'm down with fever and I'm so pissed that I can't run because I feel like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do and I hate it when I don't complete the things that I can't do. Argh. Maybe thats why sometimes I expect so much out of myself, i overestimate my capabilities and end up over working my body.

I think I'm in a good place right now. Projects are going fine, school work is going great, work is going alright, family's great. I can obviously find flaws or places that I can improve on, but this might just be the best I've been in since a long time. I'm grateful for what I have now, so thankful to the big guy up there for showing me how things are getting better and giving me the courage for cutting off ties with people who don't appreciate me as much.
I'm now seeing myself in a different light, trying to love myself. And not get hurt by the people that once meant so much to me. Why keep them in my life when I'm clearly not in their's anymore.
Oh well, time for me to get down to work... :-)
good day, fighters.


Me "why do I hate myself so much?"
Mark "maybe it's because too may people are leaving your life all at once and you over think to the point that you think the reason they've left has got something to do with your appearance."

To the people that left me:
you left my life. for a reason. (maybe i'm too boring or broken for u, i'm sorry that's my fault)
so don't come back into my life. because I know I would accept you back in without a doubt. but I can't afford to see myself broken again, just when I've got back up on my own 2 feet.