Back again

Life has been rather fulfilling yet extremely exhausting, tiring and I've broken down a couple of times already :( but I'm still very grateful and I keep telling myself that better days will come and I'll get less busy or I'll have more time to breathe. 

I'm so tired I think my body is gonna collapse. on a side note, I would like to think that I've been rather happy. gonna upload picture blogposts cos I'm bored on the train bye~ 

march

back from my hiatus yaaaaay

march in a few pictures.

march has been a torturous month actually. many things have happened but the most significant one is getting closer to yq ^^ (technically we started dating in feb so i cant say that the most significant event is meeting her haha) 

closer to the end of march, many things happened which made me feel....... like shit..... my self esteem was super low and my patience was running thin towards the people that were surrounding me (literally, not saying that they're close to me) sigh, but i look forward to what april has to offer since school is starting on the 20th which means that i'll be busier and not having so much free time on my hands (also giving lesser overthinking time to my brain haha) 

i've also put on a couple (maybe a lot more than that) of pounds during march so now im trying to burn it off before sch starts sobs.

im gonna start blogging in detail soon i promise hehe 

kk bye

I've been thinking bout you

The past week has been extremely frustrating especially when my mind keeps wandering off to you whenever I'm studying. But last night I've convinced myself that I'm better off not talking to you no matter how much my mind tells me I should just tell you I miss you. It's so ridiculous that I've become so attached to you. But now I no longer care. Hahah.

Other than that, I'm panicking for exams for it's only a day away and I've yet to memorize everything or practice bstats or finish up on macro. I'm so doomed for my upcoming papers 😢😭 

Oh well, I hope you guys had a great week!!!!! 

ola

happy valentine's day to everyone regardless of your relationship status.
I'm starting to feel more and more hopeless and worried for end semester papers. I've also began to lose hope and motivation to study. I've stopped taking pictures of things around me. I've kinda been secluded from the world. In my own world, thinking about a bajillion things at a time. It's getting harder to talk to someone and hard to express my feelings esp after he left.
After he passed on, I lost someone that I thought would understand me and it sucks.
love sucks, it makes us feel.... helpless and on a constant roller coaster.
but we're still here, celebrating "love" on 14 February for saint valentines.
what a crazy world.

+ +

- 

i'm sure u can piece the puzzle together. 

random dinner date w my b(squared), reunion dinner followed by CNY. 

my days have been cloudy like cigarette smoke, thoughts messed up like a children's play house and studies slipping like butter from my fingers.

i need to get my act together, 

but till then

goodbye

x

don't

ive been feeling helpless lately with everything that has been happening and going on.
When I emotionally broke down, my health did too and I was about to give up on myself.. I was just too tired esp when I think about my studies cos I've been slacking...
 but I told myself, don't.
for what it's worth, there is still time, no matter how little time there is, it is after all still time.

i will improve. i will get better.
for myself, for the people around me.
i'll be stronger.
because i know i can.
i won't give up on myself and my studies.
i've fought so hard last year and i won't let it slip away from me right now.
i was thinking that 2014 is going to be disastrous esp cos it's only January and soooo much (too much) has happened for me to handle, but it just shows how much I'm gonna grow and mature in 2014.
I will take it in my stride, slowly but surely.
I will get better and stronger.
No one said it would be easy, but that doesnt mean it will be impossible. :-)

loss

it's so hard starting a post like this. 

-

today i suffered a loss of someone dear to me and a part of my family. 

He treated me like his own flesh and blood, even though he's not my biological grandfather. He watched me grow up, ever since i was a baby. Taught me all the things a parent would teach their kid; drawing, colouring, math, english. My parents were always busy, so I was under his and my grandmother's care. Naturally, I felt like they are my second pair of parents. But they split when I was about 10 and sold their house. So i didn't see him much, neither did I talk to him much... I still think about him now and then, and we call and chat for a while. He stayed in jurong so it was inconvenient for me to go meet him or for him to come here. He was old and stayed alone, but i never made time or effort to go down to meet him. 

When I heard that he got a heart attack today, I froze. I didn't know what to say or what to feel. I just froze. I walked away from the cashier and into the kitchen. Then the emotions came, the feeling of regret and remorse..... overwhelmed me. I couldn't stop crying, scolding myself in my head "how fucking stupid of you" 

I rushed to the hospital but on my way there, they said he's gone.

I cried, I screamed (in the taxi, yes- i'm sorry mr taxi driver) and I couldn't stop. The pain was too much.... How could I be so selfish? and foolish, and also so so so stupid. 

I can't stop thinking to myself, if i wasn't so busy all the time or made time for him, I couldve seen him for the last time. Watched him smile when I tell him a stupid joke, or hear him scold me about my reckless spending. I want to hear his voice for the last time, calling me "belle". 

what hurts the most was that our last conversation was an argument. not a nice chat. we didn't fix things even after 2 weeks..... but today they said he was speaking about me just before he got a heart attack. Telling my uncle how I have a job now, which shows how much he's proud of me. 

I wish I took the time to call him, say I'm sorry and stupid. 

When I stood there next to him... I cried and shouted grandpa... for that last time, I could call him in front of him. I kissed his forehead and felt the cold lifelessness of his body and remember how much life he used to have. 

rest in peace grandpa, i'm sorry i disappointed you. I'm disappointed in myself. Watch over us in heaven, and I hope you're happy now. My life will never be the same without you........ why won't u come back to earth. 

i need you. 5 year old kid in me is screaming your name and wanting you to carry me and tell me that everything is going to be okay.

- 

if this is what it takes for people to be stronger. I don't want to be strong. I'd rather be weak for the rest of my life.