loss

it's so hard starting a post like this. 

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today i suffered a loss of someone dear to me and a part of my family. 

He treated me like his own flesh and blood, even though he's not my biological grandfather. He watched me grow up, ever since i was a baby. Taught me all the things a parent would teach their kid; drawing, colouring, math, english. My parents were always busy, so I was under his and my grandmother's care. Naturally, I felt like they are my second pair of parents. But they split when I was about 10 and sold their house. So i didn't see him much, neither did I talk to him much... I still think about him now and then, and we call and chat for a while. He stayed in jurong so it was inconvenient for me to go meet him or for him to come here. He was old and stayed alone, but i never made time or effort to go down to meet him. 

When I heard that he got a heart attack today, I froze. I didn't know what to say or what to feel. I just froze. I walked away from the cashier and into the kitchen. Then the emotions came, the feeling of regret and remorse..... overwhelmed me. I couldn't stop crying, scolding myself in my head "how fucking stupid of you" 

I rushed to the hospital but on my way there, they said he's gone.

I cried, I screamed (in the taxi, yes- i'm sorry mr taxi driver) and I couldn't stop. The pain was too much.... How could I be so selfish? and foolish, and also so so so stupid. 

I can't stop thinking to myself, if i wasn't so busy all the time or made time for him, I couldve seen him for the last time. Watched him smile when I tell him a stupid joke, or hear him scold me about my reckless spending. I want to hear his voice for the last time, calling me "belle". 

what hurts the most was that our last conversation was an argument. not a nice chat. we didn't fix things even after 2 weeks..... but today they said he was speaking about me just before he got a heart attack. Telling my uncle how I have a job now, which shows how much he's proud of me. 

I wish I took the time to call him, say I'm sorry and stupid. 

When I stood there next to him... I cried and shouted grandpa... for that last time, I could call him in front of him. I kissed his forehead and felt the cold lifelessness of his body and remember how much life he used to have. 

rest in peace grandpa, i'm sorry i disappointed you. I'm disappointed in myself. Watch over us in heaven, and I hope you're happy now. My life will never be the same without you........ why won't u come back to earth. 

i need you. 5 year old kid in me is screaming your name and wanting you to carry me and tell me that everything is going to be okay.

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if this is what it takes for people to be stronger. I don't want to be strong. I'd rather be weak for the rest of my life.