don't

ive been feeling helpless lately with everything that has been happening and going on.
When I emotionally broke down, my health did too and I was about to give up on myself.. I was just too tired esp when I think about my studies cos I've been slacking...
 but I told myself, don't.
for what it's worth, there is still time, no matter how little time there is, it is after all still time.

i will improve. i will get better.
for myself, for the people around me.
i'll be stronger.
because i know i can.
i won't give up on myself and my studies.
i've fought so hard last year and i won't let it slip away from me right now.
i was thinking that 2014 is going to be disastrous esp cos it's only January and soooo much (too much) has happened for me to handle, but it just shows how much I'm gonna grow and mature in 2014.
I will take it in my stride, slowly but surely.
I will get better and stronger.
No one said it would be easy, but that doesnt mean it will be impossible. :-)

loss

it's so hard starting a post like this. 

-

today i suffered a loss of someone dear to me and a part of my family. 

He treated me like his own flesh and blood, even though he's not my biological grandfather. He watched me grow up, ever since i was a baby. Taught me all the things a parent would teach their kid; drawing, colouring, math, english. My parents were always busy, so I was under his and my grandmother's care. Naturally, I felt like they are my second pair of parents. But they split when I was about 10 and sold their house. So i didn't see him much, neither did I talk to him much... I still think about him now and then, and we call and chat for a while. He stayed in jurong so it was inconvenient for me to go meet him or for him to come here. He was old and stayed alone, but i never made time or effort to go down to meet him. 

When I heard that he got a heart attack today, I froze. I didn't know what to say or what to feel. I just froze. I walked away from the cashier and into the kitchen. Then the emotions came, the feeling of regret and remorse..... overwhelmed me. I couldn't stop crying, scolding myself in my head "how fucking stupid of you" 

I rushed to the hospital but on my way there, they said he's gone.

I cried, I screamed (in the taxi, yes- i'm sorry mr taxi driver) and I couldn't stop. The pain was too much.... How could I be so selfish? and foolish, and also so so so stupid. 

I can't stop thinking to myself, if i wasn't so busy all the time or made time for him, I couldve seen him for the last time. Watched him smile when I tell him a stupid joke, or hear him scold me about my reckless spending. I want to hear his voice for the last time, calling me "belle". 

what hurts the most was that our last conversation was an argument. not a nice chat. we didn't fix things even after 2 weeks..... but today they said he was speaking about me just before he got a heart attack. Telling my uncle how I have a job now, which shows how much he's proud of me. 

I wish I took the time to call him, say I'm sorry and stupid. 

When I stood there next to him... I cried and shouted grandpa... for that last time, I could call him in front of him. I kissed his forehead and felt the cold lifelessness of his body and remember how much life he used to have. 

rest in peace grandpa, i'm sorry i disappointed you. I'm disappointed in myself. Watch over us in heaven, and I hope you're happy now. My life will never be the same without you........ why won't u come back to earth. 

i need you. 5 year old kid in me is screaming your name and wanting you to carry me and tell me that everything is going to be okay.

- 

if this is what it takes for people to be stronger. I don't want to be strong. I'd rather be weak for the rest of my life. 

tired

i think the stress is getting to me but im not sure hm

anyway, 

top-lacepipe

shorts-cp

shoes-superga

socks-antidotesg

have a good week ahead

back w visuals

i've been sleeping w socks on bc it's rly cold in my house esp my floor. It's like ice :O

big mug for a big me (fat) 

breakfast on a friday morning followed by studying macro  

braided may's hair yay

lunch w my baby trix today followed by studying but my attention span is so tiny that i only managed to read through OB... heh, im doomed.

im kinda panicking cos i havent been studying because of my super short attention span. :< i'm gonna try my best to complete as much as i can tmr sigh sigh sigh super sigh :/ 

the struggle between work and sch and project has been a nightmare.

 this week has been tough esp rushing home after work to go home and complete my projects for submission the next day ;-; pukes blood wna cry ok bye 

see u next time byebye

rambles

reason why im not asleep yet -but no regrets cos the hazelnut latte was really good and i managed to do some studying :-) 

im quite tired but i had a 3 hour nap today. I've been working for the past 2 nights at 4-10 and i'm quite tired! Submissions for my projects are next week but that doesn't mean i'm gonna neglect working! I wanna outdo myself this year, over coming obstacles and all my lethargic feels that i get all the time. No excuses this year.. No more slacking, no more bullshit (to put it bluntly).
im gonna sleep now, for about 5 hours before i get up and start on my to-do list!!!!

outfit + others

top french connection

shorts ferris 

flannel editors market

shoes superga in intense blue

watch ted baker

it was an exhausting wednesday yesterday. Went to do so many errands and now i have 2 projects to COMPLETE but here i am procrastinating. Also, my throat's really sore which makes me question my ability to talk to customers later. 

on a side note, my 2014 new years  resolution has been pretty good considering i have spent less than 50 this week and haven't gotten anything online since 2014 started (which is 9 days or more cos i didn't get anything in the last few days of december) so im gonna reward myself by getting a dress online soon.

And i'm starting to go on a diet because i can see the amount of weight i have put on since the festive season, thank goodness chinese new year is a little healthier cos steamboat  = no fried food. yay. 

My thoughts are really messy so it explains the messy post. 

i hope 2014 has been good/eventful. 

mine has been eventful and i've made an awful load of mistakes already, but that just means i'm learning which is good. 

life has been a blur lately. from working pm to full and pm(s) again...... then going home to sleep till noon and wasting my life watching gossip girl then back to work... yeah pretty uneventful. Beginning to like work a little bit more actually. People are friendly and colleagues are fun. Working at 12cc is (hopefully) one of the best decisions i've made in 2013.
i'm exhausted and i have a busy day ahead tomorrow. I hope someone perks my mood up tomorrow. I think i'll be pretty dull and lethargic. On a side note, school is starting tomorrow n i'm unprepared for project deadlines and what not.
and here's an abrupt endi-

flora by gucci

really like this set of pictures.

- 

i honestly have a lot to be grateful for, dont you?

be happy people, be happy. :-) 

! all pics taken w iphone 5S n filtered w afterlight app !