It's so bad cos I don't even remember what its like being happy anymore. I've been feeling negative for about 2 weeks straight (or longer). And I'm so thankful for mark n nat for always sending me long texts and talking to me even though 90% of the time i'm just telling them how much my life sucks.
I have concluded that i'm feeling this way because of the way i look.
i detest myself. i can't help but hate every single thing about me. I don't understand how people look at me and say/think "oh she's ok" i'm honestly not ok. I'm had wide hips, BUT i dont have a thigh gap..? ok i do but at the top my thighs touch and it annoys me so much ):
here's the thing, I used to be super skinny in lower sec but because i was so skinny, i took it for granted... this is what i normally snack on at night
like in 1 night.. yeah.. it's bad i know.
i should be grateful i'm still on the leaner side of the scale but it still bugs me you know? people keeps telling me i put on weight and i'm trying so fking hard to lose it but i can't. my thighs have no my fats i think.. but its freakishly muscular because of training for 1 year and all the working out i do.. so i can't get a proper thigh gap anymore... do you get my pain aha...... i'm just hoping some miracle happens idk. I can't feel good about myself cos all i see are flaws and argh i just wanna cry aha.
I have a feeling so many people are gonna judge me based on this post. "what the fuck is she talking about lol" "stupid fat bitch" "just go on a diet la" "cb talk so much" )-: i wish all these thoughts will just shut up. once i think about my body i think about how so many people have left me alr... and how many people i miss but my stupid pride won't allow me to text them and say "i miss u" so instead, i just lay in bed at night, wishing that a part of them misses me too... (but i know that will never happen) so my advice to all of you is to cherish those that are making an effort to be in your life (cliche, i know) don't push them away... always be thankful that they're a part of your life. don't be like me haha i end up fucking everything up with my stupid emotions and insecurity and pushing everyone away. the quote (or simply just 2 words) "everyone leaves" is utter bullshit. EVERYONE doesn't leave. it's either that you push them away, or they're just not meant to be in your life. but the word EVERYONE is such an overstatement.... people come and go, but there will always be a handful of people that will always be in your life, like an anchor, holding onto you, never letting you drift away.
Gosh, am i talking bullshit? I think i am. my thoughts are all over the place.
I hope no one hates themselves as much as i hate myself. it feels horrible hating myself but loving myself feels like a sin. why would i love fats when i don't even eat them lol.
sometimes i feel like i need someone to give me a tight hug and tell me
"everything will be okay in time to come." just hold me and never let me go )-:
so once again,
"how do we get out of this labyrinth of suffering?" - looking for alaska
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