Frustrated. Again.

Again.
We're always back in the same situation, arguing and fighting over the smallest things.
I guess this is why they say mother knows the best because you'll never know me. You know me as well as a stranger even though we're blood related and you're my dad.
To be honest, I've always envied people who have darn good relationship with their father cos I've never felt that way before and in my opinion, never will.
I would say it's both of our fault. You're too busy with work and your other family, I'm too busy with school and everything. You've never included me in any family vacations you've had. I've never taken up the initiative to talk to you or bond with you. You've never taken time out of work to spend time with me, despite the countless times I've asked you. You're busy and you have a family to take care of, you're also the sole breadwinner of your family. I understand. I understand how you feel towards me, disappointed, sad, angry because I feel the exact same way. And yet, we still can't overlook our faults and just forget everything. So here I am, ranting cos I'm angry and annoyed that after all this time we're still unable to communicate. We've never been able to communicate because I never knew how it felt like to be close to you. I still remember I would cry whenever I had to spend the weekend with you, because that's how much I didn't want to spend time with you. I would wail and whine so loudly, hoping you would get annoyed so that you will u-turn and send me home. So.. I guess the gap was there ever since you got split custody with mummy. I'm sad that both of you didn't work out and I'm even sadder that we can't even talk to each other. I try to tell you something but you just don't understand. And I think I give up. After about a year of trying when I told myself I'll start studying harder to make you proud (which I hope happened) I have no idea what else I can do to make you notice me. I'm no longer a small child that will always have your attention. And I wish you can give me the attention you gave me back then...... This is sad.
Our relationship is deteriorating.
I wouldn't even count ourselves as strangers
because strangers don't feel such rage towards each other
I can't believe i'm saying this.
but, I want to know how it feels like having a father that is constantly there when I'm home to ask me how my day was, ask me if I have enough to spend, ask me if I want to have a lift to school, have dinner with me or maybe just have a nice talk at night.
I'm starting to see daddy(my step father) as a "better" father figure than my biological dad.
Hm
lastly, I'm just sad that the only feeling that I know I feel towards you is hatred.
No idea why. I can't stop myself from feeling that way. But I think... I really hate you and I can't help it.
i'm sorry.
I didn't mean for things to be this way. If it's my fault. I'm so sorry.
Even if it's not my fault, I still am.
you've
never understood me
and
never will.